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It's not done but whatever xD Pushing him firmly against the wall, his father glared viciously at him, his eyes shrouded from being so drunk, weaving the knife threateningly in his hand back and forth. Faine could smell the awful stench of booze as he breathed. "And what makes you think," he said in a low, dangerous voice, "that you can control me?" The tone in his voice sounded dangerous; it didn't take long to realize that Faine had to fight for his life again. Fight or flight, Faine thought as there was a rush of blood to his head. As expected, the knife was now held against his arm, leaving a small cut. The familiar smell of blood—his own blood—made his stomach twist and turn in fear. His eyes clenched tightly, his legs kicking hard at the man's thigh in a desperate attempt of freedom. It was useless; nothing was working. Right at the moment, the sharp blade became to sink deeper into his flesh and the pain, even though he's been cut many times before, spread out through his body. His legs began to tremble. Despite himself, he broke in a strangled and desperate sob but nothing could be done. No one was coming to help. _ Faine screamed, his hand racing to clutch at his arm, panting heavily. His body shuddered as he stared at the scar of the wound. It sealed long ago, but the pain never really disappeared—till now, he could still feel the cold metal digging into his flesh, and the sight of blood oozing out as he cut deeper. And worst of all, the thrum of his heart as the blade bit into his skin; the cold tremors running up and down his body when he realized that it might have been his last minutes, his last intakes of what happened so long ago, but memories never go away, particularly bad ones. Faine could feel his hands clutching tightly to the sheets of his bed, the way he always did when he needed to hold something to remind himself that he was here—in reality; not the nightmare he used to live. Not anymore, at least. The slash marks he received years ago still remained marked all over his body as a hideous scar. Even though it’s been years, Faine could feel them beginning to burn his skin like acid, like they were telling him that his moment of suffering wasn't exactly over yet. Faine's body trembled at the thought. Easy, Faine, he told himself, allowing himself to take long, deep breaths to calm down''. It's just a nightmare you're facing. Just like the other ones. He—Faine hesitated for a moment—they can't reach you. You'll be fine. '' Gently, he released his firm clutch at the bed, letting out a shaky breath as he did so. The memories continued to swirl in his mind like a never-ending chasm of dark nightmares. But things are bound to repeat itself sometimes; the memories would get more blurry soon, just like they always did. His arms absent-mindedly hugged himself, weaving back and forth like a child's rocking horse. His mind was still clear and fresh from his years of abuse back four years ago. His parents were heavy alcoholics; there were always the usual glass of wine to accompany dinner but they started drowning their emotions in alcohol since Faine came out of the closet. At first, they looked pretty fine with his sexuality but it started to get worst and worst by the day. It all started with a few shots and those shots became bottles. Lots of bottles. Faine could never forget the foul stench of the liquor fuming from their breaths as they spoke or breathed at him as if to taunt him. That was when Faine began to notice that something terrible was about to happen. But he made a mistake of not deciding to stop them when he still could've. A few weeks after the drinking, the beating began. When it first happened, Faine got caught completely by surprise; it wasn't until his eyes met his mother's murderous gaze that he realized what was going on. He just wished he stopped them when he could. Maybe if he did, the torment he had four years ago wouldn’t have happened. Stop thinking about it, Faine ordered angrily in frustration. Throwing himself back down the bed, he closed his eyes shut, demanding himself to think about something, anything else. He exhaled deeply before realizing what the date was today. Apparently tomorrow was the start of his freshman year. He groaned, burying his face deep into his soft pillow. School and him didn't get along well. Sure, he was quite good, academically (with the exception of Mathematics; he was terrible at that) but what he hated the most was getting along with the other students, and which place he was going to be on the popularity chart. Without surprise, popularity was a very important thing in high school, for some reason. Faine knew middle school was just the beginning, but he never envisaged high school being so... hard. He didn't have to wait for tomorrow to already guess where he would be positioned; with no doubt in the 'losers' section. Being gay was already going to earn him a spot there, but there was another thing about him that would earn him a permanent place for that spot. And that 'another thing' was his unusual hobby to cross-dress. Well, it wasn't exactly unusual to the eyes of him and his grandmother, Eloïse, but it was to the rest of people. It seemed to shoot up a flare of his sexuality; sure, Faine wore girlish things to school like laced clothing and used make-up like eyeliner and sometimes even lipstick. He knew it was a huge risk but it made him feel good and no one was going to take that from him. He could still remember the exact words Eloïse told him long ago—"it doesn't matter what other people think about you; it's what you think of yourself." In four years, Faine has proudly lived by that rule. He does his best to stay a confident person most of the times but there were times where he would return to his old, scared self. Especially when someone was the almost exact similar of his abusive parents. Or treated him the way they did. Standing, Faine headed for the bathroom. As he walked, he glanced at the clock which hung forlornly on his bedroom wall. "Four hours until school," Faine quietly told himself, leaning forward against the bathroom sink before sighing. Hush, he thought, you'll be fine. You'll be alright. You'll be just fine. '' - Memories. It's funny how everyone will forget the ones that are the most important and tend to remember the horrible memories. And no matter how hard you tried to get rid of those memories, they just never go away. It was the same thing for Joanna. She was, like nearly all nights, suffering from her insomnia. Her fingers absent-mindedly played with long strands of her hair as she laid alone on her bed. It's been a year ago, yet she could still remember the first girl she's ever slept with. Katherine Henrietta, was her name; Joanna could remember everything despite how drunk she was at the events of their one-night stand—the way Katherine shoved her tongue into her mouth hungrily, the bitter taste of beer in the girl's mouth and the her bare, naked skin against Joanna's own. Even the morning after was still clear in JJ's head; the moment she found herself lying next to Kath, completely naked, then the shrill shriek of horror she made when she realized what happened. She knew she couldn't blame Kath—when she lacked the attraction to boys during the past, she should've known that she was a lesbian. Denial, perhaps, restricted her from the belief of her true sexuality but ever since what happened with Kath, everything was suddenly clear. She was attracted to girls—whether she liked it or not. Of course, no one knew about this (besides Katherine and some other strangers from some of her wildest nights). Joanna didn't have to be an idiot to find out how people treated a person like her. The students at her school were savages when it came to a person's sexuality. Anyone who had the nerve to out themselves in Maplewood High was either very brave or very stupid. Once, JJ knew a senior named Adam, who's been the shining idol of Maplewood High until he revealed his bisexuality. Ever since then, rather than the boy who topped the popularity chart every time, Adam had suddenly transformed to the social freak everyone would be talking about with a hint of disgust. She didn’t want that happening to her. It was bad enough she had to hide the secret from her own family… and her own friends. Every day she has to pretend to saunter by a group of Maplewood’s football team whenever they bullied a person who wasn’t heterosexual. Every day she has to laugh at rude LGBT jokes so her sexuality wouldn’t be revealed. It killed her inside to do so, and she hated it. Then, there was ''her—''Sabrina Glocester; a shy young girl who often strayed away from the other students, keeping only to herself. In her hand always carried a black notebook, which she enjoyed writing in. Nobody ever talked to her, as far as Joanna noticed, besides Joanna herself. Even when that happened, Sabrina would always stumble back, her mouth stuttering words and her eyes shooting back and forth in alert. Most of the times, Sabrina would end up running away before Joanna could even say hi. Joanna thought it was adorable. How they met was a funny story; Sabrina had stumbled and dropped her little black notebook and Joanna leaned to pick it up. Sabrina yelped out a loud “no!” before scrambling to whisk it out of Joanna’s hands. After that, they stared at each other blankly for about two seconds before laughing out loud—that was when Sabrina did the most adorable blush Joanna has ever seen. It didn’t take long for Joanna to realize she liked her. Ever since then, Joanna had been trying hard to give her signs of her interest without revealing her sexuality—the last thing she wanted was to reveal her attraction to girls; not with those kind of people in her school. What would happen if Sabrina was straight? Joanna would be dead for sure; she would join the target of the school’s bullies just because she liked girls. This year, she guessed, everything was definitely going to change everything. - Penny buttoned up the clothes of her blouse as she watched her grandmother, Esther sitting on the couch in front of the television. She wasn’t watching television, however (no surprise)—instead she simply sat there, her eyes fixed on a book. Penny brushed the fringe of her hair before walking towards her with a smile. “Hey, grandma,” she said. Esther remained silent, her eyes fixated. “Grandma?” Esther placed her book down, looking up at her. “Yes?” “Did you hear me calling you before..?” Penny asked in confusion. “Yes,” she said simply before returning back to her book. Penny still hasn’t attached herself to the fact that her grandmother had Asperger syndrome; she just wasn’t familiar with it yet. “Oh okay,” Penny said. “I’m going to be leaving soon—“ “Aren’t they beautiful?” Penny blinked twice in confusion. “What’s beautiful?” Esther looked up at the ceiling, as if something was there. Her expression remained normal, unchanging. “The stars,” she said in a calm voice. “…Stars?” Penny repeated, looking up to see where the stars were. To be honest, she hated when her grandmother did this—she hated it. Stars; it was the only thing Esther had talked about the entire time she stayed with her. Stars were the subject whenever Penny tried to bond with her. Stars were the things that she heard about every day, and she was sick of it. ''Can’t she talk about something else? ''Penny groaned. “Yes,” Esther said, her head finally moving to face her. “But where have they gone?” Penny shuffled back nervously, biting her lip so she wouldn’t lose her patience. “It’s not night, grandma.” Esther stared at her for a few seconds before looking back up at the ceiling without saying a word. Her gaze seemed distant; like she wasn’t exactly ''there ''anymore. Penny gnawed at her bottom lip in impatience before deciding that Esther would probably only waste her time. “Anyway, I’m going, grandma,” Penny told her, leaning forward to hug Esther. Esther said nothing, her eyes remaining fixed on the ceiling. “Bye, grandma.” Penny opened the door, turning to look one last time at her grandmother before, with a disapproving shake of her head, she left. - By the suspicious glances the students gave him as Eloïse drove him to the entrance of the school, Faine knew that what he expected last night—to be thrown into the bottom of the popularity chart—was going to come true. Something cold clenched his heart and he breathed deep in order to calm himself. A cheerleader glanced his way, her smile dissipating as she leaned down to whisper into another cheerleader’s ear. It was as if he could already hear the ice-cold words of insult coming from their mouths. He had done everything he could to make himself less of a target—which included putting on the most masculine-looking clothes he owned, making his hair look more boyish and many more. But that just sent out more signals of him being gay, judging by how the boys and girls snickered as he passed them. His gaze dropped in amid defeat, sighing sadly. Eloïse watched him with eyes filled with concern as Faine lowered his head in shame as the students giggled when they passed. She pulled the car to a stop at an empty parking space before she turned to face him. His eyes were clouded with pain and worry that he wasn’t even aware that the car wasn’t moving any longer. He chewed morosely on his bottom lip, his thumbs twiddling around one another. “Faine…” Eloïse sighed, her hand reaching out to give him a comforting stroke to his shoulder. Coming out of his thoughts, Faine jumped back in surprise with a small yelp before shaking his head, as if to awaken himself. He blinked once; twice; three times before ultimately looking away in silence, without a single word. After a while, he spoke. “I know, I know,” he muttered as he dropped his head low. “’Don’t worry’—you told me that about a million times but—“ “That wasn’t what I was going to say, Faine,” Eloïse said suddenly, which made Faine glanced at her, confusion dancing in his eyes. “Then what did you want to say?” he asked. She sighed again. “As much as I want you safe, I don’t want you to be someone you’re not either.” She dug into her handbag, uncovering a photo of a smiling, thirteen year-old boy dressed in a laced black dress. Faine’s heart dropped—seeing the photo again reminded him of how happy he was doing what he loved best. As strange as it was, Faine enjoyed doing what he used to do—and was he really going to let this take what he loved away from him? The bullies have never once brought Faine down when he was a little kid; what has ever happened to that boy? “Do you remember this boy?” Eloïse asked. Faine nibbled at his bottom lip, turning away from her. “Not now, grandma,” he muttered. “I’m not doing this right now.” The last thing he wanted to do was to feel regret—he’s already declared to himself that he ''needed ''to do this. He wasn’t that boy anymore; stubborn, over-confident, always getting into trouble. He didn’t want to be him anymore… he wanted to change himself, for the best. “Faine, listen to me—” she said, almost pleadingly but was silenced immediately by a strong shake of Faine’s head. He can’t listen to this, he just ''can’t. '' “Goodbye, grandma,” he muttered before he rushed out, slamming the door behind him. He wasn’t running but his legs were taking him as fast as he could go. He didn’t want to hear it from anyone… because he has already decided that this was the best for him. Even if it hurts. - “Hey, babe.” Joanna looked behind her, tucking her hair behind her ear with a pout. She rolled her eyes and turned away. “Not now, Kath,” she snapped, although she felt glad that she was here. As annoying as Katherine was, she was the only one who’s been helping her with her sexuality all along—and she would forever be thankful for that; even though she was the one who made her come to terms with her liking girls instead of boys. “Hey now, don’t be a bitch,” she remarked playfully, earning another annoyed eye-roll from JJ. “You know I’m just trying to help you.” Joanna glared at her, her left eye twitching in annoyance. “Look, I know that you’re trying to help me out but—“ Joanna’s words were cut short after a glance over Kath’s shoulder. Her heart stopped—she wasn’t expecting to see her so soon but she was glad she got to. It’s been so long since she last saw her and finally getting to do it again felt like ''breathing. Sabrina was as amazing as she remembered; her hair was slightly straightened unlike last year but those amazing blue eyes were just as bright as she remembered. And the way the wind was brushing her hair… “Joanna?” Kath called, blinking in confusion. She narrowed her eyebrows in annoyance, pouting as she turned around to see who caught JJ’s attention—if there’s one thing Kath hated, it would be being ignored. She froze after she noticed the blond beauty Joanna was staring at before looking back, her lip caught between her teeth. Finally, she grinned cunningly. “Oh, I see—''she’s'' the special one, I’m guessing? Is that why you haven’t been coming by to my place?” “Shut it, Kath,” Joanna hissed, her eyes darting around wildly to ensure herself nobody heard. Luckily, no one did. Katherine’s eyes widened. “Hang on, you haven’t came out to anyone yet? Not even your parents?” she asked incredulously. Joanna opened her mouth, as if to protest but there was no use lying to her—Kath knew her too well for too long. Through thick and thin, Kath has been there for her. Every single problem Joanna got solved by her and eventually, it was like Kath knew her in and out—and it scared Joanna; she liked Kath, but it was just so creepy to let someone know you that well. As expected, Katherine groaned in annoyance. Joanna couldn’t help but feel so annoyed—unlike her, Kath has a non-homophobic family. Joanna, however, had to sit everyday at the dinner table nodding in agreement as her father speaks terrible of people who weren’t straight. “Seriously, Joanna?” Kath huffed, rolling her eyes. “If it were me, ''I would’ve—“ ''“I’m not you!” ''Joanna snapped viciously, her eyes burning with anger. She didn’t want to hear it—all these talks of coming out being easy or her family being accepting because they ''weren’t. ''She hated listening to people like Katherine saying how simple coming out was. It was a dumb belief—and something Joanna realized before she nearly came out to her family. It had been a normal day at the dinner table and her heart had pounded as she tried to tell them. ''Tried—''but then her father decided to make a cruel joke about a gay couple that he spotted at work. It stabbed Joanna’s heart like ice but luckily she stopped herself from coming out. If she didn’t stop back then, what could’ve happened to her right now? Her eyes dropped and she forced herself to turn away from Katherine. She doesn’t want her talks of how easy coming out was—because it’s not ''easy. “Hey,” Kath said gently, taking a step forward and hesitantly reaching out to pat her back. “I’m sorry, alright?” “I know,” Joanna said quietly. “That’s what you always say.” Katherine’s eyes flickered back and forth, from Joanna to Sabrina and back to her. Joanna looked at her as a grin spread across her face. She raised an eyebrow and rolled her eyes—this wasn’t going to be good. “Okay, what are you thinking?” Joanna asked. “I think,” Kath said, “you should win her over.” -